MY SIXTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT

This is a true story. I'm not making it up. I might exaggerate here and there, and the name of my sixth grade teacher has been changed to “Mrs. Pleasant” to protect the innocent - namely me. Here goes.

Sixth grade. Science class. I love science. Science is cool, but Mrs. Pleasant is a stern woman with harsh edges. Having your arm sawed off is much more fun than sitting in her class. On this particular day she gave us a project. “You will make a bug collection,” she commanded. “You will label them ... yada, yada, yada ...” She rambles on about how to catch them, make a “kill jar,” and so on. This didn't sound so bad. This might actually be fun. “And this will be a big portion of your grade,” she concluded. Okay, that pretty much took the fun out of it.

I go home and make preparations: A nice piece of colored board to pin the bugs on, mom's typewriter to make the labels, I even made the “kill jar” to Mrs. Pleasant's expert gas chamber specifications. Kill jar? Kill jar?! It never occurred to me until now that I would have to kill the bugs in my collection. Perhaps Mrs. Pleasant didn't like bugs. With 20 students in each class all going out to kill bugs, she could reduce the neighborhood bug population by quite a bit. On the other hand, maybe she just wanted me to agonize over killing bugs. Torturing kids by the “guilty conscience” method. Whatever. I'll show her. When I die, I'll just tell God, “My sixth grade science teacher made me do it.” That should clear things up right away. Everyone knew Mrs. Pleasant.

The project went well at first. Bugs just seemed to march right up and say, “Hey, I would be a nice addition to your sixth grade bug collection!” So I picked them up and threw them in the gas chamber, er ... I mean “kill jar.” As Mrs. Pleasant so expertly predicted, a bug dies within minutes when sealed in a glass jar containing a cotton ball soaked in rubbing alcohol. As they died, I made a tombstone, er ... I mean “label” for them. Then I stabbed a straight pin through their body ... I mean, I attached them to the board. Grasshoppers, lady bugs, the really cool praying mantis ... all of my childhood favorites went into the kill jar. At first it seemed really wrong. I had always played with my bug friends and then let them go. When I explained to them that it was for a good grade in Mrs. Pleasant's class, they assured me it was okay. "It happens every year!" they said. Apparently even the bugs knew Mrs. Pleasant. Then one day, the project turned into a nightmare.

A large, beautiful Argiope Orb Web Spider (garden orb spider) hung in the front bushes. Man, it was huge. Did I mention that the Orb Spider was huge? Anyway, I had to have it. With that baby parked in the middle of my collection, there was no way I could miss getting Mrs. Pleasant’s “you've killed the most bugs” award. Remembering some techniques of sneaking cookies from my preschool days, I devised a plan that allowed me to catch the spider without touching it. Shazam! Into the gas chamber! Sorry. I mean kill jar. I watched the clock as I made the tomb ... uh, label. As the final seconds approached, I was dancing in the bedroom, chanting “Orb Spider, Orb Spider, Orb Spider ...” Ding! It was time! I popped the jar lid off and carefully shook the spider out. Using straight pins to touch it, I carefully rolled it over onto its stomach and arranged its legs. Then the moment came! The moment the Orb Spider would become part of my collection!! The moment my average science class grade would change forever!!! The moment both mom and dad would congratulate me!!!! The moment that would make Mrs. Pleasant smile at me and say “I’m so sorry for all the heartache I’ve caused you over these past years ... will you please forgive me?”!!!!! I lifted the gleaming, silver pin into the air and pushed down gently.

I don't really remember what happened next, but I can tell you that my short life flashed before my eyes while the dude in my brain screamed “IT’S ALIVE!!!!! IT’S ALIVE!!!!! IT’S ALIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!” Yes folks, that huge Orb Spider was still alive. Now in case you’re so smart and knew this was coming, just fasten your seat belt. The ride gets a little bumpy from here on out.

The moment I pushed the pin in, all eight legs flew up at me. Now I’m not afraid of spiders ... but when you’re holding a tiger by the head of a straight pin, the dude in your brain might have the same idea that mine did. “DROP IT!!! DROP IT!!!! DROP IT!!!!” Fantastic idea. One small problem. While the Orb Spider was shouting “I’ll get you and your little dog too!” it shot out a web which stuck to my fingers. Imagine now a panic strickened sixth grader stumbling through his bedroom clawing, swatting, karate chopping ... anything to keep that giant Orb Spider, with a straight pin still stuck through it, from climbing its web to my fingers. Every time I tried to break the web, it just became longer and more tangled around both my hands. Well, I won’t bore you with the details of the struggle but Jackie Chan would have been proud. End result: The spider, with a straight pin still stuck through it, was back in the kill jar. My dog and my pounding heart peeked out from under bed and asked if it was safe to come out.

I left Nightmare on Bug Street Freddie-spider in the kill jar for two hours. I was taking no chances. Carefully dumped it out. Touched the pin. No movement. Good. I carefully pinned the Orb Spider in his place of honor. Whew. The evening is still young. Too bad this nightmare wasn’t over.

Outside under a rock I found two scorpions. They said, “Hey, wouldn't we be a nice addition to your bug collection?” I told them the funny Orb Spider story. They laughed and said something about “lingering nerve impulses.” It happens to frogs in lab experiments all the time. What a relief! The spider was really dead, I had just hit one of those nerve thingy maboppers when I pushed the pin in. I felt so silly. We all laughed, then I threw the scorpions into the kill jar. When I turned to admire my bug collection so far, I discovered that the Orb Spider was missing. No joke. Jason had come back to life.

My pounding heart jumped on top of my head and screamed, “Where is it?!!” The Orb Spider lay curled up by the edge of the table with the pin still stuck through its body. I reached for the pin. (At this point you might be saying the exact same thing the dude in my brain was saying. “Are you really that stupid?!” My reply was, “Good grade. I’ll get a good grade.”) I grabbed the head of the pin. All eight legs flew out at me again!

“I’ll get you and your little dog too! Nah ha ha ha ha ha ... !!!” the Orb Spider shouted.

OH - THAT IS IT!!! I threw the Orb Spider back into the kill jar, opened the bottle of rubbing alcohol and, with Mrs. Pleasant's voice in my head stating, "You only need to wet the cotton ball," I poured three inches of liquid into the jar. Then I screwed the lid on tight and shook it! "How now brown cow!" Learned that taunt from watching Bugs Bunny cartoons. I waited the prescribed time set by Mrs. Pleasant (oh, and by the way Mrs. Pleasant, thank you very much for the lovely experience so far). Pulled the spider out. Set the spider on paper towel to drip dry. No movement. Good! Pinned the spider back on the board. Went to dinner. Had a fantastic time! Came back ... and that insane spider was wiggling itself loose from the board before my very eyes! Its determination was quite unnerving to watch.

"What are you, a Navy Seal??!!" A straight pin rammed through its body, completely submerged in three inches of rubbing alcohol, and it still survives! OKAY – FINE! I threw the spider back in kill jar filled with rubbing alcohol, put the jar lid on tight, and left it there overnight! Sweet dreams! Ha!

The next day. I dumped the spider out. Spider drip dries. I touched the head of the pin. No movement. Fantastic! Pinned the spider to the board and place the bug collection in the garage. Wish I could say the nightmare was over. No kidding.

The bug collection was due the next day. That night I had a bad dream (this is no joke) about the two scorpions popping off the board, and chasing me - with pins still stuck in them - out into the backyard. I climbed up to the top of the swing set to get away. Then I woke up. When I told my mom about it she said, “I think you made that up.” Thanks mom. I tell the truth and you don’t believe me. Filled with love and warmth, I headed off to have a great day at school.

I go out into the garage to get the bug collection and that crazy Orb Spider is missing!!!! On the bright side, I thanked my lucky stars that the two scorpions were still pinned to the board. Over the years I’ve had dreams that come true, and it’s really freaky when it happens. I’m just glad they didn’t pop off the board and chase me like they did last night. They didn’t have to spook me. That Orb Spider was doing a good job all by itself. Anyway, now I’m looking for the spider - again. This time it was nowhere to be found. As I’m on my hands and knees checking the floor, the dude in my brain is yelling, “You’re going to be late for school!” There was only one response to that.

“If I flunk science, who’s going to care!” Finally I see the spider underneath the work bench. The pin was still stuck through it. I grab the pin and all eight legs fly up at me.

"I'll get you and your little dog too! Nah ha ha ha ha!!!"

"Put a sock in it! Hello! Take a hint! Die already!" As I pinned the spider back on the board and covered the bug collection with a piece of plastic wrap, the dude in my brain began to think clearly. Instead of shouting stuff I already knew, he made an brilliant observation. "The evil Orb Spider seems to come to life and escape about every two hours, but that's after it's been drinking rubbing alcohol all night. There's no time to soak it in rubbing alcohol again before turning it in. That means we only have minutes get it to Mrs. Pleasant before this nightmare begins to unpin itself again ... but we have to walk to school ... at least a ten minute trip!"

“Leave that problem to me!” my pounding heart shouted, “I can’t take this anymore! Hang on to the plastic wrap! ”

My legs were running so fast I couldn't see them. Nice sunrise. Can't enjoy it. Have to watch out for trees. Friends on the street were waving and wanting to talk. “I have to turn this in now!” I screamed. Oh sure, this may look like a bug collection, big deal, but it was really a ticking time bomb ... and it was about to go off. My pounding heart leaned out and shouted at my legs, "INCREASE SPEED!" Honestly, I don't remember the last two blocks to the school or the trip through the halls.

Feeling rather wind blown, yet strangely refreshed, I arrived at Mrs. Pleasant’s doorway. My pounding heart had delivered me as promised with time to spare. I handed her the bug collection. She gave me a strange look. Perhaps it was my hair. I combed my hair before I left the house but ...

“Oh David, this looks very nice,” Mrs. Pleasant said in a rather scientific tone. “I don’t have time to grade it now but I’ll put in here until I do.” She pulled open a desk drawer. Thank goodness, the board fit perfectly. Not exactly the fanfare I expected but at this point I didn't care.

When she closed the drawer I felt relieved. My good grade seemed certain, but most important of all, that psychotic Orb Spider was her problem. I glanced at my watch as I headed out the door. That spider should be unpinning itself from the board ... right about ... now. Mrs. Pleasant wanted a bug collection. I gave her one.

Yes, I smiled when I walked away. I couldn’t help it. And no, I never told her about the Argiope Orb Web Spider that had been stabbed, gassed, and drowned in rubbing alcohol for almost two days and still wouldn't die. So sue me. Life is full of tiny pleasures.

An adult hand grabbed my shoulder just outside the door. It was Mr. Rankin, our physical education teacher. Let me guess ... busted for running through the halls. Innocent ... look innocent!

"Hey David, saw you coming to school today. Ever thought about joining our track team?"

I didn't know what to say ... other than, "Sounds great."

Track was a lot safer than Mrs. Pleasant's science projects. Although I never heard what became of that insane spider, the memory of it came in handy. All I had to do was imagine that it was chasing me down the track, with the pin still stuck in it, screaming, "I'll get you and your little dog too! Nah ha ha ha ha!!!" My pounding heart and my legs did the rest. Won second place at my first competition. A friend from my school named Steve won first place. I guess his sixth grade science project must have been a lot more scary.

Mr. David

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